Okay listen up, you jabronis! You’re probably over there thinking you’re a pretty smart business bitch. You know, you get after it, you jabberjaw, you go tit-for-tat, you win some, I win some, and there’s a mutual respect left over between us. Well, I’m here to tell you you’re wrong.
While you were over there trying to strap on your job helmet, and squeeze into a job cannon and fire off into jobland, where jobs grow on jobbies, the Gang from Paddy’s was subliminally filling your mind with all the crow-tien flavored life lessons you need to make sure your work performance is totally and completely bad-ass.
Just like a size pill can make you the most bigger beefcake you always knew you were inside, these lessons from the Masters will sharpen the toe knife of your career faster than you can pass out from eating cat food. Strap in for lesson one, Bozo.
1. Mac: “That’s politics, Bitch”
Mac knows a thing or two about power. True power comes from the bottom up. And it’s through his power-bottom-ness that Mac has achieved his mastery of all things, including karate, godliness, and bad-assery in matters of business.
Mac knows he doesn’t always come through, like when he failed to scale the facade of Citizens Bank during the Phillies’ World Series Game. But he truly believes that his mind is telling him he has it in him. What he does to compensate for his lack of core strength, is surround himself with teammates that have the skills he lacks, so that later he can take credit for the team’s big wins and great words, dude.
Mac doesn’t need, for instance, to know what’s in his size pills or how a circular economy works, because he has just enough political savvy to keep friends around when he’s in a jam. It’s the same strategy that he leveraged to win, not one, but sixty consecutive ultimate ninja warrior championships.
You may be thinking that’s not even possible. Well first off, through God all things are possible. So go ahead and jot that down, you dumb business bitch.
2. Frank: “You gotta pay the troll toll to get in”
The Warthog isn’t afraid to buy-in and he sure as hell isn’t afraid to sell-out! Since his earliest investment in Shadynasty’s, Frank has understood one universal truth that any smart business bitch needs to know: Cash is King.
Frank didn’t ask for a fart-filled seat at the Paddy’s helm, he walked in and bought it. In business and in life, nothing is free, especially bangin’ whores. Getting where you want to be in life or in business takes time and energy. If you don’t have those sorts of things handy you can get in the back door inorganically through acquisitions or hostile takeovers. Been in business a while and rather be bangin’ whores? Liquidate those assets and take off to Vietnam.
Sure the IRS will be up your ass for a few years but it’s nothing an elaborate dog funeral can’t cover up. I mean, let’s be real. None of us knows how much time we have left. We’d be smart to just get real weird with it.
3. Dee: “When I’m doing good in the game it’s like I’m doing good in life”
It would be irresponsible to talk about Deandra Reynolds here without first reminding everyone that bird law in this country – its not governed by reason. That said, Sweet Dee does occasionally lay down some truth despite her womanly condition. For a generation raised on Facespaces and virus videos, the internet is more than a place to think up great marketing ploys, like blowing down the sign of your bar or finding that rude shusher.
It’s the place we find our Desert Rose, the place we rate and review our friends and loved ones, and the place we meet those special people we eventually send hair to. Keeping your business going in this harsh internet climate has less than ever to do with true product quality and everything to do with perception. In the modern era, looking good online is almost all that matters.
Do your employees need high paying jobs? No! They just need high and mighty job titles they can twit to their bunchers. They need to feel and look like a “five-star man” even if they’re paid like zero-star trash. Conversely, all the bad impressions in the world can’t save you if the first thing people see when they look at your web page is Greenman throwing a ball in your face.
You may be thinking this lesson is building up to an important point about personal branding in the social media era. But this is Dee’s lesson and giant flightless birds don’t know shit about that stuff. Suffice to say, the joke’s on Dee!
4. Dennis: “I need my tools!”
Dennis is a man who knows what he wants. And he knows how to get it. He knows when you may say “no” and when you wouldn’t dare… Because of the implication. It’s like the thrill of being near the executioner’s switch. Knowing that at any moment, you could throw it, but knowing you never will…but you could. Never isn’t the right word, because he could…and he might…he probably will.
What gives Dennis this Golden God-like power over his minions, you might ask. Standard tools. Tools take many shapes and sizes from standard work guidelines and processes, to duct tape and zip ties. What they have in common is that they take variation out of the process. Let’s say your business needs customers and you’re courting some stupid young client that won’t make with the hot dogs. You could sit there in your room trying to convince this dumb broad why she wants to do business with you, all the while your nosy roommate keeps barging in hoping to get a piece of the action. Or you could employ a standard tool like the D.E.N.N.I.S. system to efficiently produce the results you desire with more predictable outcomes.
Whether a physical tool like duct tape or a process tool like the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, the take-away is that you dumb business bitches keep wasting time and money reinventing the wheel. Create standard work, stick with what works, and keep your tools handy.
5. Charlie: “What do now?”
Charlie Kelly’s not the kind of guy that sits around waiting for cancer to come to him; he goes and gets it. And when he achieves his dream of matching Boss Hogg’s in-flight drinking record on a trip out to California, he doesn’t waste a bunch of time celebrating. Instead he asks simply, “What do now?”
This is because Charlie knows an important lesson you business bitches forgot: that if you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backwards. Being a smart business bitch means fostering a mindset of continual improvement like Charlie Kelly. When the rats got smart, Charlie found innovative new ways to bash them. When the cats got loud, Charlie didn’t just eat more cat food to try to silence them. He built a quieter cat.
He did this in a cycle of plan, do, check, and adjust, that when applied consistently to rat bashing or business problems, becomes imprinted into the muscle memory like a kata by a black belt beefcake.
The lesson here is that to survive and thrive in the modern business world, you have to commit to elevating performance, to checking your progress and stretching your goals, and to staying true to your woman, even when she rejects you for like ten straight years. Disciplined commitment to the journey, rather than to the achievement, is what makes Charlie the King of Rats.
6. Dennis again: “Sometimes things just sort of have to end”
So now you think you’re the most smartest business bitch and you’ve got it all figured out? The Gang inspired you. They said “you’re an awesome business bitch and you could make this whole school slippery”.
Well, if there’s one thing the Gang has taught us about business, it’s that all the standard tools and processes and planning and politics in the world won’t stop a chicken feather from contaminating your shipment of vacuum sealed steaks, or stop a freak boat fire from ending your Puff Daddy shrimping dreams prematurely, or even a trusted sleeping partner from pooping the bed in jest.
So be ready. Because one day you may think you have your career all figured out. And that’s when a rocket propelled grenade blows your pristine Range Rover all over the Philadelphia skyline before you’ve even had your last bowl of cereal.
Guess I’ll be taking that milk steak to go. Godspeed, you dumb business bitches.
By Jon West